Humor

Project Veritas strikes again!

You're on the Titanic. The lookout is screaming something about an iceberg. Obama is captain, and he's meeting with the other ship's officers to decide what to do. Watch change is coming up soon.

Lookout: "Iceberg! Iceberg!"

Huntsman: "Iceberg sounds sort of like Hindenberg, which was a German airship. I speak German, you know."

Obama: "The Titanic is unsinkable. Get me the engine room, full power! More quantitative easing!"

Romney: "Let me talk to the engine room. I used to work on steam engines, I can get us more steam."

Santorum: "Isn't that an iceberg? We should probably change course. Say, do you think we have any gay passengers? I'm very concerned about the influence a homosexual might have on the children. And people keep asking me about them, which seems ... sort of ... odd. Maybe they have reason to be concerned."

Bachman: "That does look like an iceberg. Do we have enough lifeboats for me and my 28 foster children? Women and children are still first when I'm captain."

Ron Paul: "We suck. We deserve to hit the iceberg."

Gary Johnson: "Can you hear me now? How about now?"

Perry: "Iceberg! Iceberg! I'm going to set a new course and tie myself to the wheel to make sure we stick to it, if any of you idiots listen to me. I don't care who's captain, so long as we miss the damn iceberg."

Newt: (on his cell phone) "Yes, air force? I need an airstrike, pronto, on an iceberg at GPS coordinates xxxxxxyyyyyyyzzzzz... don't worry about the civilian ship in the vicinity, as soon as I'm off the phone with you I'll try to turn us around. It's your job to make sure there is no iceberg if I can't... yes, yes, once I'm captain I'll authorize a tactical nuke if necessary. And if they won't listen to me I've got a date with a wrench in the engine room."

Tam wonders what modern phones could be used as a club to beat an intruder with and still work afterwards to call 911?

She's right, most of them won't serve well in that roll, but it's not because modern phones are poorly designed. Instead, the role of the phone in home defence has changed.

"What? Changed you say?"

Well, yes. We have advanced beyond the days of the solid American phone-club. Today's phones are mostly manufactured by the Japanese and are designed to serve as disposable tools for distracting an opponent, in a manner similar to the way "ninja stars" have been historically employed.

The new tactical phone home defence doctrine goes something like this:

1) Hear an intruder.
2) Dial 911.
3) Put the 911 operator on speaker phone.
4) Throw the phone at the intruder.

The intruder will be struck by the phone and distracted from attacking you. He will leave, clutching his new phone and trying to explain politely to the 911 operator what is going on. If he does not leave, the user is instructed to ask his girlfriend, spouse, room mate, or minor child for their cell phone and repeat steps 2-4. For especially persistent intruders it may be necessary to use your phone from last year or the year before. Eventually, the intruder will become frustrated and depart. At that point, the phone's camera and microphone can be secretly activated to identity and apprehend the intruder.

Of course, no tactical doctrine is perfect. Americans have found it necessary to add another step:

5) Shoot the intruder.

Most reports indicate that this seems to work even if steps 1-4 failed utterly. In fact, some people argue that steps 1-4 are entirely unnecessary. However, most experts recommend maintaining the five-step process in order to provide something for liberals who don't own guns to do in an emergency.

Boston City Councilman Felix Arroyo, who opposes war in Iraq, announced in January that he was going on a hunger strike to protest U.S. policy. Arroyo said he would begin a liquid-only regimen, but then limited that to daylight hours (thus allowing himself dinner and, theoretically, breakfast), and later qualified that to mean that he would only adhere to this hardship diet on the second and fourth Fridays of each month. [Boston Globe, 1-30-03]

Image courtesy of www.hackwater.com.

There's a blogmeme going around wherein bloggers discuss what they keep on their nightstands.  It looks like it started over at Hell in a Handbasket, and now that I'm back from my extended hiatus, I might as well join in.  So, here's what I've got:

1. Far too much paperwork, because there is no other convenient place for it at the moment.
2. A large flashlight, suitable for use as a club.
3. Whatever book I have been reading lately; today, that's A Storm of Swords.
4. A desk lamp, for reading the aforementioned.
5. An alarm clock, for getting up in the morning.  These days, the sun coming in my bedroom window usually wakes me before the alarm goes off.
   
6. For protection, I employ a formidable bodyguard, pictured below with his arsenal...

According to the NRA News radio program, David Hardy, from Of Arms & the Law, will "neither confirm nor deny" that he will be nominated for the vacant Supreme Court seat. 

(OK, I admit it, I laughed.)

UPDATE: Ginsberg and Stevens will resign today, to elope to Cancun.  Breyer will resign to co-star in a sequel to War of the Worlds...

I dunno.  I always thought Star Wars was fiction.  That's Lautenberg, BTW, the noted Democratic anti-gun statist from New Jersey, talking about filibusters.  It takes gall to equate a filibuster over judicial nominations with a genocidal dictatorship, even a fictional one.

Note: To the best of my knowledge, this is NOT a photoshop.

It seems someone at the CIA has a sense of humor.

No, it's not scary for the reason they want it to be scary. But it's still scary. Also sad. And a little funny. Mainly because they're actually serious.

Some of you will have seen the pictures from Kerry's recent trip goose hunting. If you haven't, Alphecca will get you up to speed. And now that you understand the background... witness the compelling testimony of the Swift Geese Veterans For Truth!

The ACLU has a really good animation up about privacy and pizza delivery. (No, really). It's not directed at anything specific, just privacy in general. It's both hilarious and terrifying -- watch it yourself and send it to your friends. They'll get the point, and they'll be more willing to listen the next time.

Just go read.

Hilarious.

Columbine, John F. Kennedy, Ruby Ridge, the list of victims of gun violence could go on for pages, yet thanks to a Republican party completely in the pocket of the NRA lobby we have virtually no chance of taking our babies out of harm's way. While the blood of our children and our friends runs through the streets like so much water the Republicans do nothing but sit in their ivory towers counting money in a briefcase hand-delivered by Charlton Heston. The only way we can change this horrible situation is by voting for people who support gun legislation that gets the guns out of the hands of people who don't know how to use them and put them back in the hands of people who do; the police, the military, and my personal bodyguards. Remember that people don't kill people, guns break into your house and rape you and then shoot you.

He wears a baby-blue spandex jumpsuit and shiny gold panties, gloves, cape, boots and goggles. He wields a giant, metal-cutting circular power saw. Who is Angle Grinder Man? He is Britain's self-styled "first wheel-clamp and speed camera vigilante cum subversive superhero philanthropist entertainer type person." That's who. For those not familiar with industrial machine tools, an angle grinder is the saw best suited to cutting through plates of steel, such as, say, the wheel clamps that authorities use to immobilize illegally parked cars in London. And Angle Grinder Man offers his "free clamp-removal service" to "all good, decent law-unabiding people" who would rather fight back than pay to have their cars released. All a clamped motorist has to do is call AGM's hotline and out comes the roadside rescue superhero to saw through the brace and release the car.

British newspapers love him. Taxi drivers are talking about him. And apparently he is for real.

Now this... THIS is the way to resist an oppressive government!

I found this link (or rather, was pointed to it by a friend) through the process of visiting Google, entering "Weapons of Mass Destruction" in the search, and clicking the button labeled "I'm Feeling Lucky" (which takes you to the top-ranked google search result directly). The link in the headline will take you to that page. It's well worth it.

A joint task force of federal agents and state police raided the home of a Santa Monica man Saturday, uncovering an arsenal of illegal books and other media. "It's astounding," said Police Chief John Lynch at a press conference Tuesday. "I've never seen so many books in my life. It was a virtual library." Chief Lynch described a entire room filled wall to wall with books and magazines. In one room officers discovered a computer, printer and thousands of pages of printing paper. The discovery of the computer-printer setup prompted evacuation of the neighborhood while EOD teams rendered the device inactive.

Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a "non-event," which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime's completion.

In a 9-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today in the case of United States of America vs. the Dixie Chicks that the Bill of Rights is unconstitutional. Writing for the majority, Justice Rehnquist made it clear that the court wasn't completely opposed to freedom of speech, religion, assembly, etc., but that the Bill of Rights as written was simply too vague and could, therefore, be used in the wrong way by people opposed to our democratic way of life.

Just discovered - one of the first attempts to ban evil 'Assault Muskets'!

"Strictest gun control laws in the US."