Day 2 in the So-Called Capitol of the Free World

Since the office opens at 7am, I went to the DC firearms registration office the next morning around 8am. I walked up to the counter / half door at the firearms registration office.

The uniformed DC police officer manning the office was on the phone. I did not interrupt her. I waited quietly and patiently. After about a minute she looked up and said, "I'm on the phone." I nodded, and continued to wait. She soon looked up again, and said: "I'm on the phone with my children, please have a seat in the hall." Now, as a DC taxpayer I was rather surprised and disappointed (a polite way of saying 'pissed-off') that she would be so bold as to ask me to wait while she conducted a personal call during normal business hours while sitting at her desk in the office she was paid to staff. That said, on this day, I needed her help, so I did as instructed: I sat in the hall and waited. Eventually a different woman, dressed in civilian clothes, came out into the hall and asked me what I wanted.

I told her I was there to look into legally buying a firearm, as a resident of DC. I said I was aware that firearms had to be registered but could find no relevant information on the DC government web site. She asked me how many guns I wanted to register. I said I didn't have any guns, I was interested in buying one and wanted to know the process and costs involved. She again asked how many guns I wanted to register. I again replied that I was not there to register a gun, I don't have a gun. I would like to legally purchase a gun, and I want to know the process for registering it and how much it will cost.

She then asked how many guns I wanted to buy. Now I'd just said 'a gun' at least three times, so at this point, I was starting to feel like I was stuck in a "Who's on first" style comedy skit. I was getting nowhere, and I was getting irritated. I asked a few simple questions about the process for registering a gun and the cost of doing so, and I can't get a single answer out of this woman. So I, still very politely, replied: "Well, let's say I want to buy and register ten guns". She looked at me with the kind of utter disdain usually reserved for people who kick kittens into electric fans. Clearly, this woman did not see her job as to register guns in compliance with DC law, but rather, she was acting like her job was to do everything possible to prevent people from buying and or registering guns in compliance with DC law.

Fortunately, the uniformed female police officer, having finished her personal phone call, came out into the hall and asked what was going on. I turned to her and, said I came to find out what the process was for buying and registering a gun, and to find out how much it costs. I continued: "but this woman won't answer my questions and just keeps asking me about how many guns I don't have." The uniformed officer led me into the office and gave me a (poorly) Xeroxed handout that (poorly) outlined the process and proceeded to give me a verbal overview. For a first gun purchase, you take form P.D. 219 to the gun dealer, buy a gun, have the dealer fill out their portion, you fill out your portion, and then bring the completed form to the gun registration office. You then get fingerprinted, and submit the completed form and fingerprint card, take a written test, then after six to eight weeks you come back and, assuming the application is approved, you get your paperwork returned stamped "APPROVED", and you can go back to the dealer and pick up the gun. She then told me the fee for fingerprints was $35.00 and the fee for each gun registered was $13.00. She also said I needed four passport sized photos. Now I had glanced at the handout, and the fees were listed as $26.50 and $10.00 respectively. I pointed out the difference, and she put out her hand to collect the Xerox. I handed it back, expecting her to give me an up-to-date version. She took a pen and scratched in the higher costs. (This may sound absurd, but in actuality, this woman's action is the only example of workplace efficiency ever documented in the history of the Washington, DC government.) Now, having noticed that there were no forms of any kind in the handout I was given, I then asked her if the gun dealers in the area typically have the required forms. She said she didn't know. So, I asked if I could get the forms while I was there in the gun control office. She said yes, but then, inconceivably, didn't actually offer to give me any. I REALLY felt like I should be looking for the hidden 'candid' camera at this point. Dealing with these women was like banging my head against a wall. I explicitly asked her if she would give me the necessary forms. She said yes and asked me how many guns I was going to buy. Now, the other woman, whom I'd already told I wanted to buy ten guns, was standing right there, so I said I wanted ten forms. The uniformed officer expressed that she didn't think it was a very good idea to buy ten guns. She then asked me if I had enough money for ten guns. At this point I was pretty much resigned to the fact that no staff member in the gun registration office wanted to actually do anything but discourage people from lawfully registering guns. So I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I replied that I only planned to buy one gun at the current time, but would most certainly be buying more in the future. She then said, "Well then, you only need one form". I said, "What if I make a mistake on it? Could I please have a couple?" She handed me two. I asked for another (a third). She said, with a rather final tone in her voice, "I think two is enough." By this point, it was clear that the people in this office wanted this process NOT to go smoothly, so thinking I had everything I needed on my end I decided to leave.

I reviewed the handout while sitting in the hall, figuring any further questions would necessitate more return visits to this hell on Earth, so it was worth my time to get any further ambiguities cleared up this same day. Incidentally, the PD 219 (last revised in 1976) clearly states that the registration fee is $10.00. Perhaps it's time to update the form? The natural next move was to get the fingerprints done presently and be ready to submit everything once I'd purchased a gun. You, dear reader, should have already anticipated that it just couldn't happen that easily (This is DC after all): The fingerprint office doesn't open until 9am. Neither does the cashier's office open until 9am. At this point, I thought I should be getting to work, but decided to stick it out, rather than be late for work on another day as well. So, a little before 9am rolls around, I get in line at the cashier's office with all of the people paying for copies of their criminal records. Fun! Eventually it's my turn, alas: the 'cashier' doesn't actually accept cash, only money orders. (Knowing DC, they probably had too much cash going missing...). Of course, this fact was not mentioned up to this point. I am left with no choice but to leave and come back another time, money orders in hand.

Walking out of the building seemed like an opportune moment to reacquaint myself with one of my favorite sayings: "Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence."

Incidentally, they offer free gun locks, sponsored by the NSSF, but only for registered guns. Obviously, safety is not the primary concern, registration is. But again, that's DC's Motto: "Bringing you fifty years of liberal policy failure".